Where's Waldo?

Just recently I moved up to my hometown of Jacksonville, Fl. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into or what's about to come my way, but I've been through so much this year, that there isnt anything I can't get through these days. I left Jacksonville when I was just nine years old when my dad got a job promotion in Gainesville, then later Ocala. Since then I've only been up here about seven or eight times. Jessica, who everyone knows as my sister, was my neighbor and best friend growing up here in Jacksonville, and lucky we've kept in touch since we were four and five, minus a three year hiatus.

I lived in Orlando for two years, and I finally had enough. I'll never regret moving there, it helped me get out of Ocala and into college. Life was good until July of 2008 when I moved in with my aunt. I started working in Sanford. Sanford reminds me of Ocala and I remember what things were like when I lived in Ocala. I started having deja vu and before I knew it things were controlling me and I couldnt do anything about it. I made one phone call to my sister and she didnt even hesitate, she told me to move up and live with her.

She's one hell of a sister, let me tell you. We're nothing alike thats for sure, but I remember how we were when we were kids: I was the annoying little sister who aggravates and she was the older sister who got her way. And to be honest, I miss that.

I'm more than ready for this city and before you know it I'll be painting this town red.

So where's waldo you ask? I'm home, thats where...finally.

its a battlefield.

You can have anything in life if you're willing to sacrifice everything else for it. What that means is, nothing come without pride. So, before you go into battle, you better decided how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you're spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifies are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more then what we can handle.

-journal entry 2008; from season 2 of grey's anataomy

im not dead...

I'm at a point in my life where I couldnt be more focused on myself. My whole life I've put others first and for years it never got me anywhere. For almost a year I tried to become this nice person, which actually made me turn into an emotional wreck, thinking that things would change for the better but I've learned now that it only made (some) things worse.

I'm a bitch for many reasons. I'm tired of being let down, I'm tired of people having my back when they dont, and I'm tired of people thinking they know me because I make out with more then one person when I've had a few shots.

I no longer want to be friends with the ones who did me wrong. Our friendship ended because you ignored me for two weeks, the two weeks when I really needed you. I didnt vote because I didnt want too, not because I was "lazy and ignorant". And I'm no longer nice to you because you ran your mouth.

I'm finally making progess on the "relationship" I was in. Leaving is the hardest thing I'm dealing with but staying is more painful. Even though I havent quit left, I've been learning what its like to actually love myself and it feels amazing. I'm enjoying my good friend Gym, even though its been two weeks since I've seen him, he's helping me and he doesnt even know it.

I'm learning to let go of the past with my parents. I've come to term that we will all never be on the same page. But I know they love me and I know they are proud of me in other ways and to me that's whats important.

Call me selfish, but I'm far from it. I'm just finally learning what its like to live my life the way I'm suppose to.

Oh no baby, I'm not dead. For the first time, I'm alive and awake and I wouldnt have it any other way.

it never even began.

Sitting together in the quite silence
I thought…should I tell her how I feel?
As much as I didn't want to
Because I knew my feelings were real.

But I knew that I should,
It was only for the best.
It was time I tell her
So I can give it all a rest.

As I pulled myself together
I felt myself become selfish and low
But…"If I can't have all of you
Then its time I let you go."

"You can't be upset about it."
Is what she had to say.
And after that maybe she's right,
Maybe it's better off this way.

And once again she brought up her past
And she brought up her ex's name.
How many times do I have to tell her,
That we are not the same.

Every time the phone rings
I'm hoping it's her on the other end.
Telling me this isn't what she wants
She wants to be together and not just friends.

And now she's wants to say sorry?
And I'm not quite sure why.
I really don't know what to think,
She's sorry? But she let me say goodbye.

I still haven't talked to her
I'm gonna need time-maybe even days.
Either way I'll get over her
Because she never gave us a chance anyways.

-Nelly 2007

SONG 1: (I'm a) Fool.

(I’m a) FOOL

You were so beautiful to me
I could stare into your eyes forever
You're personality is so contagious
And I believed all you had to say

Then the unexpected happened
I found out who you really were
Nothing like the girl I had met
You became a stranger to my face

I'm a fool for ever trusting you
I'm a fool for ever believing you
I'm a fool for ever loving you
I'm a fool for ever thinking that we could be

Things got very complicated
You tried to turn the story around
You're to dramatic and childish for me
And you're revenge didn't quite work out

Days and even months of silence went by
Until one day I saw your tears fall
I tried to make things work for us
But you did the same thing to me again

I'm a fool for ever trusting you
I'm a fool for ever believing you
I'm a fool for ever loving you
I'm a fool for ever thinking that we could be

I've always wanted to know why
Why did you treat me like this?
Then I realized how much I don't care
I could careless what happens to you now

I'll always hate myself for loving you
But with a smile on my face
You didn't get the best of me
Oh, no you didn't get the best of me

I'm a fool for ever trusting you
I'm a fool for ever believing you
I'm a fool for ever loving you
I'm a fool for ever thinking that we could be

My life is better off without you
I hope you never find me
I just have one last thing to say
Baby, you just aren't that beautiful anymore

-Nelly 2007